Developing Self Compassion
By Jenna Kennedy
You mess up in some way. You replay the situation in your head. You tell yourself you should have known or done better. Sound familiar?
We all have moments when our inner voice is critical instead of compassionate. Learning to respond to ourselves kindly can change how we handle stress, the unknown, and failures.
If you slow down and notice your inner dialogue, you may find “should” statements, comparisons to others, name-calling, blaming, or any number of negative self-talk patterns.
Often, this starts as a way of trying to fix a problem or motivate ourselves to improve in some way. We might think, “I should be doing more,” or “I need to stop that habit.” On the surface, these thoughts seem like accountability or the way to improve.
But that’s not usually the case.
Negative self talk perpetuates the problems we are trying to solve by creating self-judgment, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and shame. These patterns can keep people stuck in cycles of self criticism. Negative self-talk is linked to increased stress, depression, anxiety, lower self-esteem, and a lower quality of life.
Where in your life are patterns of self-talk especially prevalent? In my therapy office, I see this show up for clients in numerous ways. It might be how they react toward themselves after getting a low grade on a test, a difficult conversation with a boss, navigating dating and relationships, trying new things, parenting, or managing everyday responsibilities.
Personally, I find that my own inner criticism and shame statements show up often in parenting my young children—when I compare myself to how other parents are balancing the load of working and parenting, or when I raise my voice at my kids out of frustration instead of speaking with patience. In these moments, I sometimes find myself automatically slipping into negative thinking.
How do we change this pattern?
One shift is to incorporate self-compassion into how we talk to ourselves. Self compassion is not ignoring areas where we need to grow or pretending everything is okay when it isn’t. Instead, it is learning to respond to ourselves with kindness, understanding, and patience in a moment of struggling.
Cultivating a regular practice of self-compassion can help us begin to shift negative self-talk cycles and utilize self-compassion in moments of inner criticism and shame.
Self-compassion has been especially helpful to me in my own growth as a parent and in managing my negative self-talk in general. I still have moments when I am hard on myself but I am learning to notice those moments and respond to myself in a different way.
Research suggests that self-compassion is connected with many positive outcomes, including increased happiness, productivity, resilience, learning, and overall well-being. It is correlated with less anxiety and depression symptoms, disordered eating, overwhelm, and loneliness.
Thankfully, self-compassion is a skill that we can learn and strengthen. Through regular practice, we can increase our ability to shift into a more compassionate mindset in moments of calm as well as moments of self-criticism.
Some Strategies for Increasing Self-Compassion
There are many ways to begin practicing self-compassion. Here are a few starting places:
Try Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break. This exercise involves recognizing that this is a moment of suffering, connecting with the common humanity of suffering, and being kind toward yourself. Dr. Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion Break
Write yourself a letter as if you were writing to a friend.
Practice mindfulness meditation.
Develop a self-compassion mantra, such as “I am human, and it is okay to make mistakes” or “I am enough, even when things feel difficult.”
Show kindness toward your body. Take a walk, lie down and rest, stretch, or massage your hands or neck.
Changing patterns of how we talk to ourselves doesn’t happen overnight. Learning to respond with compassion takes practice and repetition.
What would it sound like to offer yourself more compassion?
References
Porter, A. C., Zelkowitz, R. L., Gist, D. C., & others. (2019). Self-evaluation and depressive symptoms: A latent variable analysis of self-esteem, shame-proneness, and self-criticism. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 41, 257–270. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10862-019-09734-1
Stanford Medicine, Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education. (n.d.). The scientific benefits of self-compassion View the Stanford CCARE resource
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. (n.d.). What is self-compassion?
Read the self-compassion resource
