Therapists as mirrors in therapy
By Amy Coats
As therapists, we often notice that clients come in with misconceptions about our role. Many people think therapists are there to tell them what to do—both inside the session and out in the real world. Some clients want us to 'tell' their partner what they’re doing wrong, hoping we’ll be the ones to finally 'set them straight.’
If this sounds familar you should know…That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works! (Bonus points if you get the reference)
If you’re battling something specific, we're here to help you manage those challenges and process what’s happening in your life—whether it's a recent struggle or a long-standing issue. Think of our role as a mirror with a filter-free view. We help translate what your loved ones are trying to communicate, and we support you in understanding how past experiences might be shaping your present. We can also help you figure out when to dial up or down the intensity of your concerns.
We are trained to do all these things with kindness, thoughtfulness, and without judgement. Our job is to be a mirror to you and reflect back what we see, providing a perspective you might not have considered before.
While we may have ideas about how you could react to a situation, it is rarely our job to voice them directly. It is most often best if you come to your own conclusions. Our goal is to help you determine what’s best for you and figure out how to get to that outcome. Sometimes, it’s our job to remind you that you are continuing to make the same choices while expecting different outcomes.
It may be a simple analogy, but we’re there to mirror back to you what we see happening—without judgement. I’d love to say we always do this without commentary, but we’re only human. If our mouths don’t say it, sometimes our faces will. Regardless, it is often helpful for you to know you aren’t the only one who would react to a situation this way.
We strive to remain objective, but we aren't robots. Speaking personally, there’s a confusing mix of pride and a small 'wince' when I hear a client say they did something 'like you told me to.' There’s a flash of hope that what I said was a good suggestion, as well as worry that I overstepped and told them to do something that really wasn’t my place. I always hope that they thought about, considered, or paused before responding—and that that was the thing I suggested to them.
Finally, a reminder: we aren't tools to be weaponized for or against anyone. Just as 'therapy-speak' shouldn't be used as a blunt instrument, your therapist shouldn't be used as a tactical advantage. Remember: therapy is the mirror, but you are the one doing the work of looking into it and choosing your own path forward.
