From Clues to Action: Practical Ways to Teach Kids New Skills
By Kara Kinney
In our last post you learned to be a detective – you’re noticing your child’s undesirable behaviors, you’re imagining how you would prefer them to behave or respond, and you’ve identified skills they’re missing.
But now what?! How do we actually teach a child a new skill?
(Not sure what we’re talking about? Make sure to check out Part One!)
Modeling
Never underestimate the power of your own behavior. Children are always watching what we do and how we behave. Use your own behaviors to show your child a skill you’re trying to teach! After you use or demonstrate a skill, narrate what you did.
Narration Formula:
Describe the situation → Name the emotion → Connect the problem to the solution
Example 1:
Earlier today, I snapped at you (situation). I was feeling really frustrated (emotion). That is not how I want to respond when I’m frustrated (problem). That is why I apologized to you a few minutes ago (solution).
→ You are modeling how to take accountability and apologize for making a mistake.Example 2:
Oh man, my food isn’t what I ordered! (situation) I am so disappointed (emotion). This is out of my control, and I can’t change the food to what I want (problem). Instead, I’ll focus on a good part – they remembered my french fries! (solution).
→ You are modeling how to handle a disappointment that is out of your control.Example 3:
Today was a weird day (situation). I feel discombobulated (emotion). It feels like a bunch of tiny little things went wrong (problem). I think I need to shake it off – I’m going to go on a walk to feel better (solution).
→ You are modeling how to manage an “off” day with self-care.
Practicing in Calm Moments: Role Playing!
Teaching a skill when you or your child is frustrated is not the ideal time. Teaching new skills works best when your child is calm—and parents need to be emotionally regulated too.
Role playing is an excellent way to let kids practice new skills in a safe way. And here’s a big secret—the sillier the role play, the better!
Pretend you’re having a meltdown and let your child teach you how to calm down.
Listen to what your child tells you, and model coping skills.
Take turns switching roles.
👉 Playful practice helps kids remember what to do when big feelings show up in real life.
Practice, practice, practice!
The more you rehearse in calm moments, the easier it will be for your child to use the skill when frustrated. After you’ve practiced, look for mild moments of frustration and gently prompt or model the new skill.
Praise
When you notice your child trying out new skills unprompted, praise, praise, praise!
Notice their effort.
Describe what they’re doing.
Let them know you’re proud of them for trying.
✨ Attention is one of the biggest gifts we can give our children. Catch them making good choices, celebrate those positive moments, and make a big deal out of them.
Coaching
If a child is having a hard time sharing, we might say:
“You need to share.”
“If you don’t share, playtime will be over.”
This provides the child with feedback that their behavior is not appropriate, but it does not teach them how to share.
If the child is calm, this might be a time for coaching using the same formula from above:
Situation → Feeling → Problem → Solution
Two ways coaching can look:
If the situation requires a skill you’ve been practicing:
Remind them!
Give a gentle nudge to help them remember to try out the new skills you’ve been working on learning.
If the situation requires a skill you haven’t been practicing
You might be able to use the moment to teach a new skill.
⚠️ This will not work if the child is dysregulated.
They need to be calm in order to learn a new skill.
Example – Sharing:
“You grabbed the toy your friend is playing with (situation). You’re frustrated because you wanted it (feeling). You didn’t know how to ask for a turn (problem). You can ask for a turn by saying, ‘Friend, can I play with that when you’re done?’ (solution). Let’s practice!”
Example – Handling Disappointment:
“Your friend wasn’t done playing with the toy and said you couldn’t have it right now (situation). That’s disappointing when you asked so nicely (emotion). You don’t know what to do (problem). Let’s ask an adult for help (solution).”
(Depending on the age of the children, adults may need to help with turn-taking tools like timers.)
When to Reach Out for a Little Extra Help
If the tough moments at home start to feel too big to handle on your own—or you’re not sure which skills your child needs most—it might be the perfect time to bring in some backup.
Therapy is like adding another teammate to your parenting crew, giving you and your child fresh tools to handle big feelings and tricky behaviors with more confidence. If you think we would be a good fit for your team reach out today!
