Why Kids Act Out: How to See Behavior as a Clue, Not a Problem
by Kara Kinney
When kids act out or make inappropriate choices, it’s easy to fall into a spiral of negative thinking:
“Why are they doing this? They know better! Why does this keep happening? Am I failing as a parent? What am I doing wrong?”
But here’s the truth: most challenging behaviors aren’t about intentional defiance. They are about missing skills.
Behavior as Communication
Children’s behaviors are a form of communication. They are clues to show us how they’re thinking and feeling, and they might not have the right skills to express those thoughts and feelings appropriately.
Think about it: kids aren’t born knowing how to regulate their emotions, share with others, handle disappointment, or stay calm when frustrated.
These are learned skills – just like tying their shoes or riding a bike.
Rather than labeling refusal, yelling, or meltdowns as failures, we can understand these behaviors as clues leading us to uncover a skill the child has not yet developed.
Using the Behavior as a Clue: Put Your Detective Hat On
Take a moment and think about when your child made a poor choice. Pause and imagine how you would have liked your child to respond in that moment. Compare your imagined response with their actual response. Use this as a clue to help you figure out what skills they’re missing.
Ask yourself:
What skill might be missing here?
Do they need help managing big feelings?
Are they struggling with flexibility when plans change?
Do they need more practice with respectful communication?
Skill Building vs. Punishment
Punishing may stop a behavior in the short term, but it doesn’t give children the tools they need for next time. That’s why teaching missing skills is more effective.
When kids have the right skills, they’re more likely to choose positive behaviors. By shifting from punishment to teaching, parents can help kids develop the tools they need to succeed.
Some skills kids often need extra help with include:
Emotional Regulation – calming down when upset
Problem-Solving – finding alternative ways to respond when things don’t go the way they expected
Flexibility – coping with changes and transitions
Communication – expressing needs respectfully
When to Reach Out for a Little Extra Help
If the tough moments at home start to feel too big to handle on your own – or you’re not sure which skills your child needs most – it might be the perfect time to bring in some backup.
Therapy is like adding another teammate to your parenting crew, giving you and your child fresh tools to handle big feelings and tricky behaviors with more confidence.
