Resilience: Not one size fits all

By Kellie Wignall

It is likely that you have heard the phrase "I can do hard things" by now. It truly is a phrase that we can all embrace, and invite others, or our children to embrace. 

While that phrase can be empowering, it may leave some of us wondering, "Well, that's nice, but what does that actually mean? What does that really look like?" We are used to the "I'll just suck it up" mentality where we clench our fists and stomach our discomfort.

There is a different way. A way where we can actually ask ourselves, "In this circumstance, in this phase of life, how am I going to do the hard thing in front of me?" True resilience isn’t just about pushing through. It’s about understanding the answer to "What do I currently need to help me grow in the midst of this trial?" Resilience is not a fixed trait, a trait that allows us to sit back and assume "It's just going to happen". We must engage in a process, one that may take on many shapes and forms. A process that will eventually instill in us grit, determination, and greater sense of our values. 

Resilience is not just determination:

Many of us were taught that resilience means toughness: suppressing emotion, powering through pain, and proving our capability—often to ourselves. But endurance alone can become another mental trap. When resilience is reduced to grit, we may ignore important signals from our nervous system, our emotions, or our values.

Real resilience is less about forcing ourselves forward and more about respond to what’s happening inside and around us.

Sometimes resilience means taking action.
Sometimes it means resting.
Sometimes it means asking for help.
And sometimes it means going back—revisiting old patterns, wounds, or lessons—so that we can move forward with greater understanding of who we are, how we got here, and what matters most.  

Resilience is a unique and individual process: 

No two people develop resilience in the same way. Our histories, temperaments, cultures, and life experiences shape what challenges us and what supports us. What feels like growth for one person may feel overwhelming for another.

This is why resilience requires intuition—the ability to notice your own mental habits and emotional patterns:

• Do you tend to catastrophize or get stuck in self-criticism?

• Do you avoid discomfort at all costs, or push past your limits?

• Do you intellectualize emotions instead of feeling them?

• Do you become flooded by emotion and lose your sense of grounding?

Resilience grows when we learn to recognize these traps without judgment and make small, personal adjustments—not sweeping transformations, but gentle, sustainable shifts that fit the phase of life we’re in.

Psychological Flexibility: Why it matters

One of the most helpful ways to understand resilience comes from the concept of psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility is most often termed in the context of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It is the ability to stay in contact with the present moment, even when it’s uncomfortable, and to choose actions aligned with what truly matters to us.

It’s made up of several components:

1. Acceptance

Resilience doesn’t require liking pain or approving of hardship. Acceptance means allowing difficult thoughts and emotions to exist without fighting them or trying to eliminate them. When we stop expending energy on resistance, we free up capacity for intentional action.

2. Cognitive Defusion

Our minds are excellent storytellers—but not all thoughts deserve to be believed. Psychological flexibility involves learning to notice thoughts as thoughts, rather than absolute truths. Resilience grows when we can say, “I’m having the thought that I’m failing,” instead of “I am failing.”

3. Present-Moment Awareness

Being resilient means staying connected to what’s happening now, rather than being pulled entirely into regrets about the past or fears about the future. This grounding allows us to respond rather than react.

4. Self-as-Context

We are more than our emotions, diagnoses, or life chapters. This aspect of flexibility helps us remember that while experiences change, there is a steady observing self beneath them. Resilience often comes from reconnecting with that wider sense of self.

5. Values

Resilience is not about doing what’s hardest—it’s about doing what’s meaningful. Values act as a compass, helping us decide which struggles are worth engaging with and which ones drain us unnecessarily.

6. Committed Action

Small, values-based steps—even imperfect ones—build resilience over time. These actions don’t need to be dramatic. Often they are quiet, repeated choices to care for ourselves, set boundaries, or keep showing up in ways that align with who we want to be.

When Resilience Means Containment:

For some of us, resilience doesn’t come from expressing everything we feel. It comes from containment—the ability to hold emotions safely without becoming overwhelmed by them.

This is especially important for people who experience emotional flooding or trauma responses. The small step here may mean implementing grounding strategies or learning when and to whom to share our most vulnerable thoughts. It might mean learning the art of detachment, detaching from unrealistic expectations of ourselves or responsibilities that are not ours to carry. 

Whatever skill or concept we need to sit with or put into action, it can bring even more enrichment to walk it out with others. Find a trusted someone and share how you plan to grow and ask them how you can be a support in whatever they might be going through or whatever area they might be growing in.

If you need help with building resilience in your own life please reach out to one of our team members. We would be happy to walk with you on that journey.